Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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