last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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