this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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