she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
how does that bad decision feel?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
