I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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