TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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