I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
