I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
