Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
