I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
