The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
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