Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
