I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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