Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
