you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
