i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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