she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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