saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
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