Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
