Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
