Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
