Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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