You can't special order awesome
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
