Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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