a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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