I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize