At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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