so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
