dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize