you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
