I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize