dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
