I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
