From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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