I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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