You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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