We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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