He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
