as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
did you just send me my own nude
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
