You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
