you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize