check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
