I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
