I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
