i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
