I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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