dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
