hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
