She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
