The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
