I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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