so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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