I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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