My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
