Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
