i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
