Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
