Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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